So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I smell like Dick and happiness
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