youre lurking in front of me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
