Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
