She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
