I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
