You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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