I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
