please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
