Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
