I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
