Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
