I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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