So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
