i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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