i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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