Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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