No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
