yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
