just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
