I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
