I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she peed on how many people?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
