I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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