You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
