Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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