so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
