i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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