Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
