I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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