You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
