Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
