Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
