I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
