just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
