Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
