the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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