bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
