On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
