All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
