How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
