i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
