Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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