Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
