i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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