theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
