When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
