I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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