ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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