and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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