I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize