Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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