you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
