If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We need to rekindle our bromance
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
