all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
