for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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