So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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