I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
