I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
