you would pick up someone in the library
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
