sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The Olympian is in my bed
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
