you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
